she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
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He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
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They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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