I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's rum buckets o'clock
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