I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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