I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
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If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
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You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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