My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
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He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
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Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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