My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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