He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
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Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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