Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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