last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
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This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
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She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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