I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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