I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize