i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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