Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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