my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
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A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
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Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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