my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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