I wish I could teleport
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm like, not good at living.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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