nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
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Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
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Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
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