I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
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Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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