I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
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I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
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