i was born a porn star she said
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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