I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
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I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
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Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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