Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
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I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
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