I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
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My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
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Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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