I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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