Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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