just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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