nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
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You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
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Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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