dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
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I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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