Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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