So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
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Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
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And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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