So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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