I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
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Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
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I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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