The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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