Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I need a beard to bite.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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