The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
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and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
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She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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