you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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