you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
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Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
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After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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