Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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