fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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