So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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