Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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