I can feel you judging me through the phone.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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