And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
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If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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