her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
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I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
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I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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