My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize