I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize