my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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