my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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