Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
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it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
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I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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