I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
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PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
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Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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